


Blame

by theonetruenorth



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: #protectaleclightwood2k17, Angst, Coda, Embedded Images, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, M/M, S02E05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 10:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9542828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonetruenorth/pseuds/theonetruenorth
Summary: “Why didn’t you use a healing rune, Alexander?” Magnus asked again, his voice hushed, now that they were standing so close to each other. He waited for Alec for open his mouth to reply before interrupting him. “And remember what I told you about pushing me away when things get rough?”





	

> _“Blame is a defense against powerlessness.”  
>  _ _____— Sandra Lee Dennis_  _ _ _ _

 

Magnus shivered in the chilly evening air as he waited for Alec to say something else, but the Shadowhunter kept his eyes down, looking at his hands again. Even in the darkness Magnus could see the angry red scratches on his skin, reddened and irritated from the way Alec kept rubbing at them.

“May I?” Magnus asked when it became obvious that Alec had run out of words. He stepped forward but didn’t touch, not until Alec gave him a short, sharp nod. Magnus covered Alec’s hands with his own carefully, trying not to aggravate the wounds any further. He pushed with his magic, just a little, and a soft purple light washed over their joined hands, quickly dealing with the damage.

“Why didn’t you use a healing rune, Alexander?” Magnus asked again, his voice hushed, now that they were standing so close to each other. He waited for Alec for open his mouth to reply before interrupting him. “And remember what I told you about pushing me away when things get rough?”

Alec closed his mouth with an audible click, his lips pursing into a thin, unhappy line. His eyes darted down towards their joined hands. After a long moment his shoulders finally slumped in defeat.

“I… I don’t know.”

Oh, but Magnus _did_ know, even if Alec didn’t. Alec’s voice was so quiet, so unsure, like nothing Magnus had heard from him before. The last couple of weeks were a whirlwind of emotions for him and things changed so rapidly that Alec surely felt lost in this new reality. He was pushing himself too hard and punishing himself because he didn’t know any other way. Dealing with physical pain was something he was familiar with, so he used it to overpower the emotional pain.

In this the Mundanes were better than the Nephilim, Magnus was sure of it. Their soldiers didn’t have to suffer in silence. But the Nephilim? The lucky ones had family they could rely on, but even that wasn’t enough when it came to a race so proud and so stuck in their old ways. Alec was withdrawn and secretive and hiding what he thought was a terrible secret for most of his life. He had been taught from a very young age that he couldn’t show weakness, that his mission and his duty always had priority over his feelings and emotions.

It was hurtful and destructive and would only cause him more pain in the long run. The evidence of which Magnus had just healed.

“You don’t need to punish yourself. If you feel like things are getting too hard, that everything is too much for you to handle… there are ways to deal with that. A lot of people feel the same way you do. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I can’t exactly find a shrink and tell them about the shadow world, do I?” The corner of Alec’s mouth twitched, his tone bitter and self-depreciating.

“I wasn’t talking about a psychologist, darling.” Magnus ignored the way Alec shivered upon hearing the pet name. “I know very well you can’t see a specialist, but you can come see _me_. If you need to just… switch off, to stop being in control for a little while, I can help. I can give that kind of relief to you.”

Alec’s gaze snapped up from their joined hands to look Magnus in the eye and for a moment he seemed confused, before his brow furrowed and he tilted his head, just slightly, as he considered Magnus’ words.

“Help how?”

Well, at least he wasn’t dismissing the idea entirely, not yet. He looked intrigued more than anything else and Magnus was willing to work with that curiosity. Anything was better than the vacant, empty look in his eyes from just moments before.

“I will listen, if you want to talk. Or just be there for you if you don’t feel like talking at all. I could take care of you, tell you what to do, so that you wouldn’t have to think about all the responsibilities and duties that weigh on you every single day.”

Alec’s expression shifted from confusion to understanding and then into slight apprehension.

“You mean like dominance and… _stuff_?”

“And stuff,” Magnus confirmed. “This is something we would have to talk about first, but not now, not while you’re upset. Think about it for a bit, figure out if it’s something you might want and then come to me when you’re ready, alright?”

Alec just nodded, hesitantly, and Magnus finally let go of him and reached up with one hand and ran his fingers through Alec’s thick hair, cradling the back of his skull gently. He craned his neck up and brushed his lips over Alec’s cheek in series of small kisses. Alec sighed, tension leaving him in stages and he curled his body towards Magnus, hiding his face in the warlock’s neck. Magnus just held him, glad that Alec came to him when he did, before it was too late.

 

* * *

 

The next time he saw Alec he was waking him by banging on Magnus’ front door. Unsure of what he would see on the other side, Magnus cautiously opened it to the sight of Alec in a pure white suit. He was panting, as if he had ran all the way here from the Institute. There was a wild look in his eyes and he looked like he had been crying, which was a new kind of shock all together.

“I…” Alec hesitated and looked down at his feet, “I think I’m ready to have that talk with you now.”

Alec’s shoulders were slumped in attempt to make himself look smaller. This was more than a little alarming because Alec was a tall, proud man. He didn't hide and he didn't cower. But right then he just looked vulnerable and hurt and Magnus’ heart broke for the quiet, sensitive young man who couldn’t find his way out of the maze that his emotions had turned into.

Magnus opened his door wide.

“Come in, darling.”

**Author's Note:**

> Every fic in this series is first posted to my tumblr and I usually upload it to AO3 with a delay. If you want to read my stories as soon as I finish them, follow me there: theonetruenorth.tumblr.com
> 
> Beta-read by [brizzbee](http://brizzbee.tumblr.com/)


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